We do this thing that drives me nuts.
We equate sex with love.
Now I know, I know, you’ve heard that before- you remember your
sixth grade health teacher telling you that sex and love weren’t the same
thing. You know that putting out doesn’t make someone love you- and hopefully,
you also know that it’s not a way to get people to like you, and it sure as
hell isn’t a way to get someone’s respect.
That said, we still desperately
want the two to go together. I know
this, because cheating destroys marriages, and because I still have girlfriends
calling me up, saying, “I loved him so much, and I slept with him, and he broke
my heart, and if I had known, I never would have slept with him” and I have my
brother telling me that he feels like a terrible person- in his words, that he’s
broken- because after his marriage
ended (one that he was faithful in), he finds that he’s attracted to a lot of
different women.
And, dear lord, if I hear some idiot say, “If a man cheats,
it’s because he’s a man, but if a woman cheats, it’s because there’s something
really wrong with the relationship,” again, my head will blow up like one of
those kids from the Gushers commercials in the 90s (I also find it important to
point out that it is mostly women who
have said this to me- and we think men
are the ones saying things that hold us back as a gender).
It is time that this stops. It is absolutely time for us to
get these two concepts- sex and love- untangled.
I will preface the rest of this post by giving credit to Dan
Savage- a gay rights activist (come to think of it, a human rights activist), a sex and relationship columnist/author/podcaster,
and a pretty funny and insightful guy- for opening up this train of thought and
research to me. If you’re not familiar, get familiar.
The reason I decided to write this post (which, quite
frankly, surprised even me considering everything else that’s going on in my
life right now) is that a few months ago, I found out that someone I knew
loosely had “had an affair” with someone outside of her marriage, and the
person I found all this out from had been extremely quick to pass judgment and
fault onto the woman. Meanwhile, I found out that this woman’s husband was
actively defending her, trying to get her friends to believe that she still
deserved love and respect, and, as far as I could tell (on facebook, because I
stalked), was extremely respectful of her. Interestingly, though, it seemed to
me the woman could not stand to forgive herself. You could see from her posts
on facebook that she had regrets- that she, in her eyes, had done the
unthinkable.
It’s not unthinkable. It’s human nature.
I am going to tell you something that you will not like.
Several things, in fact. I am going to tell you that cheating does not make someone a terrible partner. I am going to tell you that you (and what you
believe) are the problem. That the way you think is what makes it so hard for
people to stay together. That it’s not a big deal. Because it isn’t. And I’m
going to tell you all of this in a way that will seem remarkably simple and
easy to argue with. But you won’t be able to. Not effectively, at least.
Scenario 1: Choose one friend for the rest of your life. One
person to hang out with, tell personal problems to, go out to eat with, get
presents for and from, text, etc.
Scenario 2: Choose one food to eat the rest of your life.
Hell, I’ll make it easier. Choose one restaurant. Every meal, all day, every
day.
Scenario 3: Choose one outfit to wear the rest of your life.
See where I’m going with this? Yes? Mad at how simplistic I
am making the complex and emotional issue of fidelity? Yes? Good. You should be
mad. At yourself.
Sex is not love, dummy.
Sex is sex.
Sex is a biological function. Made for two purposes, and
serving two end goals: pleasure and babies. You may think that’s vulgar- my mother certainly would- but
let’s face it- our bodies were designed- our genitalia were designed-
SPECIFICALLY FOR PLEASURE. Now, this may have been our bodies’ way of tricking
us so that we’d see a benefit in reproducing (yay, bodies, and yay, birth
control), but we can’t deny that that’s what it’s there for.
Part of that sexual pleasure is the excitement and
adrenaline that comes from your partner- so, what happens when that feeling
starts to go (ask your parents, your grandparents even, if they still feel the
same sexual attraction they did in their twenties)? Well, if you’re anything
like the everybody I’ve ever met, you
chalk it up to “not being in love” with that person anymore.
Connecting the dots yet?
So… we say we understand that sex is not love… and then we
break up with people who don’t make us feel all tingly down south because we must
not be in love with them anymore. Or, someone cheats on us and we break things off
because they’ve ruined the relationship. They must not love us if they want to
have sex with someone else.
YOU ARE GIVING YOUR GENITALIA WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY TOO
MUCH POWER.
Yes, sex is important. Yes, sexual chemistry can enhance a
relationship. Yes, sexual monogamy can reduce the risk of sexually transmitted
infections. But sex does not make a relationship. And monogamy does not guarantee
the success of a relationship.
Compassion, genuine fondness of a person, and care for their
well-being do. Those things make the foundation of a strong partnership. It’s
called companionate relationship. THAT is the important stuff. Sex can enhance
that, but it won’t make it appear where it wasn’t.
So why, then, if sex doesn’t make the relationship, do we
let sex break the relationship?
Open the doors. Have a conversation. Understand that you-
and your partner, and all of your future partners- are human. We like sex. We
are biologically designed to want to spread our seed everywhere- with everyone-
on everyone. And yes, it may be hard to acknowledge that your partner is
designed to want to have sex with other people, but you HAVE to get used to
that. You HAVE to.
Now that I’ve given you a free pass to embrace your
sexuality, let’s be realistic. Yes, I’m telling you that it’s normal and
natural to want to do a lot of people. But what this is not is a free pass to
go cheat on your partner. What this is
is encouragement for you to set realistic expectations for your relationship. A
tool for you to use to start the conversation with your partner(s) about your
concept of fidelity and love. And, most importantly, I want this to be
encouragement to BE HONEST WITH YOUR PARTNER ABOUT YOUR SEXUAL REALITIES AND
NEEDS BEFORE YOU COMMIT TO SOMETHING OF WHICH YOU ARE NOT CAPABLE. Don’t see
yourself being able to be sexually monogamous? Don’t tell your partner that you can be. It’s that simple. And if
they can’t handle the fact that you like porn? Or want to have a threesome? Or
are bi-curious? Or would like to entertain the thought of an open relationship?
THEN THEY AREN’T A SEXUAL MATCH, and planning on a sexually exclusive
relationship will not bring good things.
So, yes, it hurts when someone cheats on you and you find
out about it, but what should actually hurt about it is the commitment they made
that was broken. They agreed to do something and didn’t follow through on it.
That’s what stings. So handle it from that perspective- we agreed to something,
you didn’t follow through, so let’s talk about expectation, honesty, and how to
fix this is the future. But let’s not make the sex part bigger than it is. It’s
a bodily function. One that’s natural and lovely and diverse. And our refusal
to acknowledge that is tearing our relationships apart. Not infidelity. Now, if the other stuff is not there- compassion, friendship, real love- then, you need to start thinking about splitting ways.
Sometimes, I get sick of French fries (should that be
capitalized?). But I still love them. You just can’t sustain a diet on all
fries. It doesn’t work that way. It’s unrealistic. And if you did, it would be
unhealthy.
So, if see Jake “liking” some pretty girl’s facebook
picture, yes, my first reaction is going to be one of insane jealousy, and
hurt, and genuine crazy-girl rage. But what we have to do, once that internal battle happens, is tell
ourselves that our relationship is more than sex. That my value to Jake is more
than a piece of ass. That by saying to myself, “If Jake likes so and so’s
picture, he clearly doesn’t love me, and doesn’t want to be with me anymore,” I am doing myself the disservice of making my
value to him nothing more than a breathing sex toy. That this man respects me
and honors me in many ways, and that by asking him to shut off a part of him
that comes naturally (as it does for me), I am tightening the lid on the bottle
of soda and fucking shaking it up.
Dan Savage has a really good philosophy on all of this: keep
the door open, just a little bit, because otherwise, the door will blow off the
hinges.
This is not a pass to be an asshole. This is permission to
be okay with your sexuality. To forgive yourself for wanting someone else
besides your partner. And, most importantly, it’s me telling you that if you
find out that someone else is dealing with “cheating” in their relationship, or
someone else handles their sexuality differently from this failing norm of strict
monogamy that we’ve all adhered so closely to, just shut up about it.
Seriously. Shut up. It’s none of your business, and if you think that you, or
your partner, or you both won’t be dealing with exactly the same circumstances
sooner or later, you’re in for a nasty shock, my friend.
So let’s stop judging love by the success and singularity of
our sex lives. Instead, let’s focus on companionship, respect for ideas, and
plain old liking the person we love.
That, friends, is what we do have control over.
