Friday, January 11, 2013

Things that college didn't teach me: a graduate's guide to navigating grown-up life

1) Your friends are not the people with whom you drunkenly cried while in college. Your friends are the people who called you the next day to see if you still needed to talk.

2) It's a stupid idea to walk home from a bar in six-inch heels.

3) If you don't need it, don't buy it.

4) Adderall is not a substitute for hard, heartfelt work.

5) Don't ask everyone you know for advice. It's a silly thing to do. Ask a few close friends or mentors, but serially collecting opinions instead of making your own informed ones is a terrible, weak and confusing habit.

6) Telling others the truth to rid yourself of guilt is not always a good thing: in the end, it makes someone else feel shitty indefinitely so that you can feel better.

7) You can't eat a box of jalepeno poppers and expect to poop anything other than liquid fire the next day.

8) It's never a good idea to tell your boss what you really think of her/him if you don't plan on ending your tirade with "I quit."

9)  No amount of eyeliner can cover up low self-esteem.

10) Cigarettes and Diet Coke do not a breakfast make.

11) A friendship or relationship where someone belittles you is not actually a friendship.

12) Acrylic nails are never a good idea.

13) Don't ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER give another actor a note. FUCKING EVER.

14) That icky feeling in the pit of your stomach? That's your body, telling you that whatever you've about to do is really stupid. Listen to it.

15) Life is not what happens after you get everything you're hoping for. Life's happening to you while you ride the train. While you work your day job. While you read this.

16) Facebook is not a good place to post your troubles with coworkers, or lovers, or family. Especially if you happen to be friends with them on facebook.

17) Family is everything. Even if it's the family you have made for yourself.

18) Someone wanting to have sex with you is not the same as someone valuing you.

19) A cat is not guaranteed to be loving and cute at all times. In fact, that cat will be a prick most of the time.

20) More stuff is just more stuff.

21) It's a good idea to go back and read all of the books you pretended to read for your English classes in high school and college.

22) You don't need alcohol to chill out. You don't need pot to sleep. A smoke break every twenty minutes is not normal. These are not ways to enjoy life more: these are coping mechanisms for larger issues. These are the beginnings of addiction.

23) Facebook "likes" should not be to your ego what claps are to Tinkerbell.

24) It's okay to be sensitive.

25) It's okay to be an introvert.

26) It's okay to say "no."

27) Don't tell everybody everything. Protect things that are close to your heart. Over-sharing pretty much guarantees that someone's gonna make you feel shitty about something you care about- so don't throw those pearls of yours in front of piggies who aren't genuinely invested in your well-being.

28) Don't ever treat a waiter like shit.

29) Look both ways when you're crossing the street. Even if it's a one-way.

30) If someone chooses to cut you out of their life, let them go. Focus your love and light on people willing to accept you for the crazy motherfucker you are.

31) Don't post depressing shit online. It doesn't help you. It's not endearing. You're just the asshole who made someone else's day a little sadder.

32) Go to class. You have no idea how expensive it actually is to repeat a class until you're on the other side making monthly payments. Go to class.

33) It's okay to be mad at your parents for things they did wrong, but it is not okay to blame them for how you turned out. When you turn 18, your life is all on you. You are a grown-ass person. You are responsible for who you are.

34) Forgiveness is essential to find happiness.

35) It's okay to be lost.


  1. Hmmmmm. I teach ALL those things in my classes. You went to the wrong school! ;-)