F*ck Ketchup: A Chi-Town Newbie's Survival Guide

So, you just graduated college and you're ready to move to the city. It's okay to be scared poopless- I know I was when I first came here. To lend a hand, I've compiled a list of things that I wish someone had told me before I got here- tips on how to get around, what not to do on public transportation, and how to make the most of your first few months in the Windy City. 

Does anybody else think they chose this flag because it would be easy to put on a sheet cake?

1.       When somebody who has difficulty walking or standing gets onto the train or bus, you get up and offer them your seat. No argument. The elderly, somebody with a wheelchair or crutches or walker, or somebody with child/with a child- you get up. Immediately.

Your mama raised you better than that.

2.       The city is a big grid (thanks for teaching me this one, Pirate Man Dave Gonzales). Every time you go someplace new, add it to that mental picture you’ve got of the map of Chicago. You’ll know the city in no time.

3.       Don’t confuse Chicago Democrats with the actual Democratic party. Most of us pretend Rahm Emanuel is a Republican so we can sleep at night.

4.       When you’re on a train and you come to a stop, look around you. There are probably people who need to get off the train. It is your responsibility to get out of their way as quickly as possible.

5.       Save yourself the embarrassment- don’t ask for ketchup on your hot dog. They won’t give it to you.

Just hide the packets in your purse like the rest of us.

6.       Take your headphones out of your ears and put them in front of your face. Can you hear them? Yes? Then so can everybody else. No one but you wants to hear "Call Me Maybe" again. Turn that shit down. 

7.       If someone says “Let’s go thrifting!” and tells you they know this awesome place in the city, don’t expect miracles. It’s the city. They know what their stuff is worth. Go out to the burbs, say haaaaaay to your high school friends, then hit up your hometown Goodwill, cuz honey, ain’t nothing wrong with eight dollar Chanel.

8.       You don’t have to be into everything “token Chicago” to be a good Chicagoan. No one has time to like the Cubs AND Navy Pier AND the beach AND Lincoln Park Zoo AND hockey AND obesity AND local breweries AND Boystown AND super-trendy Logan Square clubs AND Ribfest AND politics AND ombre hair AND Tom’s Shoes AND “the bean” AND Michigan Avenue AND Brown Elephant AND quirky pubs AND the White Sox AND cycling AND juice cleanses AND working for Groupon AND local farmers’ markets AND deep dish pizza AND that Frank Sinatra song. You’re allowed to be into whatever you want to be into- just don’t shame other people for what they like, and don’t shame them for not liking the things that you do.

9.       Don’t take up more than one seat on public transportation. Your bag is not more important than another person. And in turn, get over your fear of asking someone to move their stuff so you can sit. You have got to have enough self-confidence to realize that bag of crap from Top Shop does not belong in a seat instead of you.

You can tell that's a backpack, right?

10.   It’s called the Sears Tower. Don't get it twisted. 

11.   ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS look behind you before you open your damn car door. LET ME SAY THIS AGAIN: LOOK OUT YOUR WINDOWS AND CHECK AROUND YOU BEFORE YOU OPEN YOUR CAR DOOR. There are a lot of bikers out there on the streets. As a driver, it is your responsibility to keep them safe. Failure to do this could result in “dooring” a cyclist- the cyclist, who has the right of way in the bike lane, runs full speed into your open door (or swerves into traffic, which is worse) - which has killed many bikers and injured thousands more. Let me say it again: LOOK FOR CYCLISTS BEHIND YOU BEFORE YOU OPEN YOUR FUCKING DOOR.

12.   If you are a cyclist, know the rules of the road. And wear a helmet- always. If you’re living in the city at all, in fact, you should know bicycle laws: http://www.chicagobikes.org/bikelaws/

13.   A smart phone is a great investment when you’re a city-dweller – it has GPS, reviews of restaurants, apps to get cabs- just don’t be on it when you’re by yourself. It’s easy to get wrapped up in the screen and not realize that a bus is speeding towards you, or someone is following you, or you’re about to miss your stop. Keep your head up.

14.   Honk before you turn into/come out of alleys in your car. Every time. It’s the best way to ensure pedestrians, cyclists, and motorists know you’re coming, and even though it’s not the law, it’s the polite thing to do.

15.   THE TRAIN IS NOT THE PLACE TO HAVE A PHONE CONVERSATION. Sidewalk? Acceptable. Stores? Acceptable. A PLACE WHERE NO ONE HAS THE OPTION TO EITHER A) GET AWAY FROM YOUR STUPID CONVERSATION ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU LOVE MOBY  or B) PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE IS NOT THE PLACE TO TALK. Seriously, though. Wait to talk until you get to a place where people can move away from your narcissistic phone dilemma.

16.   Don’t risk the ticket- there are meter masochists everywhere. Pay for parking. Look at the signs before you walk away. Don’t park your car on city streets when it’s snowing.

And oh, my god, they mean it.

17.   If you do get a ticket, make sure you look up the photos online. You can contest them. I have gotten out of at least six tickets since moving to the city because a meter maid was mistaken.

I only pay for the tickets I earn, beetch.

18.   If you’ve got somewhere super-important to be, check local activities. Things like sports events, parades, and local street festivals could completely change your route and your ETA.

19.   It’s hard to see homeless individuals. It happens a lot in Chicago. If you don’t feel comfortable giving cash, but feel you still want to do something, you can look online here for information on helping and donating to local shelters: http://www.homelessshelterdirectory.org/cgi-bin/id/city.cgi?city=Chicago&state=IL

20.   Listen to your gut. If something tells you to get off that train car, or get out of that bar, or take a cab home instead of waiting for a bus in that strange neighborhood, listen to it. This is not license to be paranoid. This is reinforcement of what your mom told you when you were a kid. If something doesn’t feel right, it’s okay to remove yourself from the situation.

21.   All cab drivers must take credit cards. It’s the law. If they refuse, you can flag down a cop and the cop will kindly remind the driver for you.

22.   I don’t assume my phone/wallet will get stolen when I go out- but I have left it behind places and have had to figure out a way home. Always keep some spare cash hidden on you in case you lose your wallet/phone so that you can get a cab. I also try to research any new places I’m going so that if something happens, I can find my way back home from wherever I am.

23.   There is no Chicago uniform. You don’t have to shop at Urban Outfitters, Top Shop, Zara, or American Apparel to be cool. You don’t. You can, absolutely, if you want to- but don’t let anybody try to convince you that you won’t fit in if you don’t. That’s some bullshit. Have you seen the stuff in these stores? If you were thinking, “I could probably buy a torn-up kitten t-shirt at a thrift store for fifty cents instead of here for $49.50,” chances are, you’re right. Check out these blogs if you don’t believe me: http://thriftstorerunway.com/new-winners or http://thriftandstyle.com/?page_id=3115.

24.   For the love of God, if you can, fart before you get on the crowded train.

25.   Don’t flick strangers off when you’re angry at them. This is Chicago. They will chase your ass down. Let it go.

26.   If you’re in a bar and someone is giving you trouble (touching you, saying offensive things, etc.), don’t try to handle it yourself, and don’t make a scene. Instead, politely go to the bouncer with the situation and let them handle it. Generally, they’ll kick the asshole out. If they don’t, get out of that bar. It’s not a place you want to be anyway.

27.   If you want to bring your car, bring your car. Yes, it can be difficult to park (make sure if you plan on bringing one, you get an apartment with plentiful street parking ALL YEAR ROUND or a designated spot), and yes, it could be stolen (sorry, Sally the Taurus), but don’t let anybody tell you it’s not doable. Those people are always the first to beg you for a ride to Trader Joe’s when it rains.

28.   Don’t talk shit about the suburbs. That’s probably where you grew up. Show some respect.

29.   Go to Sidetrack on a Monday night with friends. Do it over again the next week.

...says my high school theatre teacher, very confidently. I'm a believer. 

30.   Soak it up. This may not be California, and we may not have Broadway, but Chicago has its own wonderful charm. The people here are amazing. The stories they tell are good ones. If you commit to making the most of it, Chicago can be an exciting, enriching, and beautiful home. Even if our city landmark is a giant bean.

In Defense of Cheating: Why Your Naughty Bits Should Not Define You

We do this thing that drives me nuts.

We equate sex with love.

Now I know, I know, you’ve heard that before- you remember your sixth grade health teacher telling you that sex and love weren’t the same thing. You know that putting out doesn’t make someone love you- and hopefully, you also know that it’s not a way to get people to like you, and it sure as hell isn’t a way to get someone’s respect.

That said, we still desperately  want the two to go together. I know this, because cheating destroys marriages, and because I still have girlfriends calling me up, saying, “I loved him so much, and I slept with him, and he broke my heart, and if I had known, I never would have slept with him” and I have my brother telling me that he feels like a terrible person- in his words, that he’s broken- because after his marriage ended (one that he was faithful in), he finds that he’s attracted to a lot of different women.

And, dear lord, if I hear some idiot say, “If a man cheats, it’s because he’s a man, but if a woman cheats, it’s because there’s something really wrong with the relationship,” again, my head will blow up like one of those kids from the Gushers commercials in the 90s (I also find it important to point out that it is mostly women who have said this to me- and we think men are the ones saying things that hold us back as a gender).

It is time that this stops. It is absolutely time for us to get these two concepts- sex and love- untangled.

I will preface the rest of this post by giving credit to Dan Savage- a gay rights activist (come to think of it, a human rights activist), a sex and relationship columnist/author/podcaster, and a pretty funny and insightful guy- for opening up this train of thought and research to me. If you’re not familiar, get familiar.

The reason I decided to write this post (which, quite frankly, surprised even me considering everything else that’s going on in my life right now) is that a few months ago, I found out that someone I knew loosely had “had an affair” with someone outside of her marriage, and the person I found all this out from had been extremely quick to pass judgment and fault onto the woman. Meanwhile, I found out that this woman’s husband was actively defending her, trying to get her friends to believe that she still deserved love and respect, and, as far as I could tell (on facebook, because I stalked), was extremely respectful of her. Interestingly, though, it seemed to me the woman could not stand to forgive herself. You could see from her posts on facebook that she had regrets- that she, in her eyes, had done the unthinkable.

It’s not unthinkable. It’s human nature.

I am going to tell you something that you will not like. Several things, in fact. I am going to tell you that cheating does not make someone a terrible partner. I am going to tell you that you (and what you believe) are the problem. That the way you think is what makes it so hard for people to stay together. That it’s not a big deal. Because it isn’t. And I’m going to tell you all of this in a way that will seem remarkably simple and easy to argue with. But you won’t be able to. Not effectively, at least.

Scenario 1: Choose one friend for the rest of your life. One person to hang out with, tell personal problems to, go out to eat with, get presents for and from, text, etc.

Scenario 2: Choose one food to eat the rest of your life. Hell, I’ll make it easier. Choose one restaurant. Every meal, all day, every day.

Scenario 3: Choose one outfit to wear the rest of your life.

See where I’m going with this? Yes? Mad at how simplistic I am making the complex and emotional issue of fidelity? Yes? Good. You should be mad. At yourself.

Sex is not love, dummy.

Sex is sex.

Sex is a biological function. Made for two purposes, and serving two end goals: pleasure and babies. You may think that’s vulgar- my mother certainly would- but let’s face it- our bodies were designed- our genitalia were designed- SPECIFICALLY FOR PLEASURE. Now, this may have been our bodies’ way of tricking us so that we’d see a benefit in reproducing (yay, bodies, and yay, birth control), but we can’t deny that that’s what it’s there for.

Part of that sexual pleasure is the excitement and adrenaline that comes from your partner- so, what happens when that feeling starts to go (ask your parents, your grandparents even, if they still feel the same sexual attraction they did in their twenties)? Well, if you’re anything like the everybody I’ve ever met, you chalk it up to “not being in love” with that person anymore.

Connecting the dots yet?

So… we say we understand that sex is not love… and then we break up with people who don’t make us feel all tingly down south because we must not be in love with them anymore. Or, someone cheats on us and we break things off because they’ve ruined the relationship. They must not love us if they want to have sex with someone else.

YOU ARE GIVING YOUR GENITALIA WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY TOO MUCH POWER.

Yes, sex is important. Yes, sexual chemistry can enhance a relationship. Yes, sexual monogamy can reduce the risk of sexually transmitted infections. But sex does not make a relationship. And monogamy does not guarantee the success of a relationship.

Compassion, genuine fondness of a person, and care for their well-being do. Those things make the foundation of a strong partnership. It’s called companionate relationship. THAT is the important stuff. Sex can enhance that, but it won’t make it appear where it wasn’t. 

So why, then, if sex doesn’t make the relationship, do we let sex break the relationship?

Open the doors. Have a conversation. Understand that you- and your partner, and all of your future partners- are human. We like sex. We are biologically designed to want to spread our seed everywhere- with everyone- on everyone. And yes, it may be hard to acknowledge that your partner is designed to want to have sex with other people, but you HAVE to get used to that. You HAVE to.

Now that I’ve given you a free pass to embrace your sexuality, let’s be realistic. Yes, I’m telling you that it’s normal and natural to want to do a lot of people. But what this is not is a free pass to go cheat on your partner. What this is is encouragement for you to set realistic expectations for your relationship. A tool for you to use to start the conversation with your partner(s) about your concept of fidelity and love. And, most importantly, I want this to be encouragement to BE HONEST WITH YOUR PARTNER ABOUT YOUR SEXUAL REALITIES AND NEEDS BEFORE YOU COMMIT TO SOMETHING OF WHICH YOU ARE NOT CAPABLE. Don’t see yourself being able to be sexually monogamous? Don’t tell your partner that you can be. It’s that simple. And if they can’t handle the fact that you like porn? Or want to have a threesome? Or are bi-curious? Or would like to entertain the thought of an open relationship? THEN THEY AREN’T A SEXUAL MATCH, and planning on a sexually exclusive relationship will not bring good things.

So, yes, it hurts when someone cheats on you and you find out about it, but what should actually hurt about it is the commitment they made that was broken. They agreed to do something and didn’t follow through on it. That’s what stings. So handle it from that perspective- we agreed to something, you didn’t follow through, so let’s talk about expectation, honesty, and how to fix this is the future. But let’s not make the sex part bigger than it is. It’s a bodily function. One that’s natural and lovely and diverse. And our refusal to acknowledge that is tearing our relationships apart. Not infidelity. Now, if the other stuff is not there- compassion, friendship, real love- then, you need to start thinking about splitting ways.

Sometimes, I get sick of French fries (should that be capitalized?). But I still love them. You just can’t sustain a diet on all fries. It doesn’t work that way. It’s unrealistic. And if you did, it would be unhealthy.

So, if see Jake “liking” some pretty girl’s facebook picture, yes, my first reaction is going to be one of insane jealousy, and hurt, and genuine crazy-girl rage. But what we have to do, once that internal battle happens, is tell ourselves that our relationship is more than sex. That my value to Jake is more than a piece of ass. That by saying to myself, “If Jake likes so and so’s picture, he clearly doesn’t love me, and doesn’t want to be with me anymore,”  I am doing myself the disservice of making my value to him nothing more than a breathing sex toy. That this man respects me and honors me in many ways, and that by asking him to shut off a part of him that comes naturally (as it does for me), I am tightening the lid on the bottle of soda and fucking shaking it up.

Dan Savage has a really good philosophy on all of this: keep the door open, just a little bit, because otherwise, the door will blow off the hinges.

This is not a pass to be an asshole. This is permission to be okay with your sexuality. To forgive yourself for wanting someone else besides your partner. And, most importantly, it’s me telling you that if you find out that someone else is dealing with “cheating” in their relationship, or someone else handles their sexuality differently from this failing norm of strict monogamy that we’ve all adhered so closely to, just shut up about it. Seriously. Shut up. It’s none of your business, and if you think that you, or your partner, or you both won’t be dealing with exactly the same circumstances sooner or later, you’re in for a nasty shock, my friend.

So let’s stop judging love by the success and singularity of our sex lives. Instead, let’s focus on companionship, respect for ideas, and plain old liking the person we love. That, friends, is what we do have control over.

This Above All, Dammit: On Truth, Small Towns in Massachusetts, and Mayonnaise

I remember very distinctly lying to an actor while I was working as a wardrobe crew member years ago. 

“Where are you from?” I asked, putting on his wig. “Hububsmalltownublah, Massachusetts,” he said. Very coolly, nonchalantly, as though this was a small fête in Paris (say it like this- “pao-weeeee”-because it’s fun), as though I had a cigarette holder in one hand and a shallow glass of champagne in the other, I replied, “Oh,  yeah, I’ve got some family there.”

Why? Why did I say this?

He said, “Really? You have family in Hububsmalltownublah? Hububsmalltownublah, Massachusetts? Wow. That’s- that’s unbelievable. It’s a really, really small town. I know almost everyone there. What’s your family name?” Folks, as soon as he used that phrase- family name- I knew I was a goner. I was able to keep up the lie for the rest of the summer, using Google search to help me figure out what towns Hububsmalltownublah was near and what the local attractions were, but every time I saw him, I was panicked that today would be the day I would blow my cover and he would find out that I had only ever been to Massachusetts once, on a trip to Boston with my dad. Beyond that, I’m positive that he knew I was lying, which just made him feel bad for me- and where genuine fondness and mutual respect could have blossomed, that space was now filled with shame and pity.

So why did I do it? Easy. I wanted him to like me. I had so little self-confidence that instead of being able to say, “Where in the world is Hububsmalltownublah? It sounds nifty,” I made up a story. I felt I had to have something in common with this actor in order to be valuable to him.

Jack Mclaughlin-Gray, one of the greatest acting professors I have ever had, once gave this piece of advice to my acting class: “You don’t have to move around on stage to be interesting. Stand still. Just be. You are interesting because you’re there.”

That’s the thing- you are intrinsically interesting. And valuable.You are, just because you are alive, a worthwhile and awesome person. Where you come from, what you think, what you do and don’t like, what you’re allergic to and what songs you sing to yourself in the mirror when you’re alone in your room- these things are all okay. These little bits combine to make up the magnificence that is you. I didn't understand this at 19 years old- in fact, at nearly 25, I still have trouble with it, but it is a conscious decision and a continuous effort to be honest about myself.

I processed all of this this morning when I was reminded of a situation with Jake from a few years ago. Before we were dating, he and I, separate of each other, both had quarrels with the same person during the exact same time frame. He handled his situation one way, I handled mine another. My issue was resolved, his was not. These scenarios played out very differently- my relationship with this person has remained one of the most nurturing, uplifting and supportive relationships of my adult life. Jake, while no longer upset about how his half played out, has chosen not to pursue or rebuild the connection, a decision which I fully support and understand. It took me such a long time to be able to say to Jake, “Listen, I really like this person, and I want to continue my friendship with them.” I think a lot of people were really surprised by that- as if somehow, being part of a couple meant that I should ignore all that this other person had done for me, how I genuinely felt about this person, my truth­- just to make Jake like me more, even if it wasn't something that was actually part of me. But you know what? As it turns out, Jake has not asked me to end, hide, or alter my relationship- or even tried to make me feel bad or wrong for loving this person (which speaks to his character immeasurably). The point is that to lie and say, “Yeah, I don’t really like so-and-so, I totally agree with you,” just to feel like you’re on the right team- well, that does bad by all parties involved: the person you lied about not liking, because you aren't being honest about what you think their redeeming qualities are; yourself, because you’re having to lie about something you really feel; and your partner, because they’re not getting you, they’re getting please-like-me-robot-Barbie you. And if that’s what they want, they’re not what you need. 

So how does this translate to real life? No, you don’t have to walk up to a stranger on the street and be all like, “I HAVE A YEAST INFECTION THAT IS THE EQUIVALENT OF AN F-5 TORNADO TOUCHING DOWN IN HOO-HAH VILLE,” for the sake of revealing your truth. No, no, no- what I’m saying is that it’s okay- in fact, just better- to be you. To be okay with being you. The calm, boring, reads “Good Housekeeping” in secret, didn't do anything fun this weekend, doesn't really like jelly beans or Van Halen, puts mayonnaise on everything, has never been skydiving or skinny-dipping  you. If they don’t dig it, their loss. Seriously. You don’t want someone around who’s too much of a douche to admit that they didn't understand Inception either, anyhow. And, if in sharing things about yourself, you genuinely feel like you’re unhappy with your life and what you've done, if you genuinely wish you had better stories to tell, go out and do more- but do it for yourself. Not to impress someone who, especially if you are just getting to know them (not to be harsh here, folks), is probably not going to be your soul mate and also probably not worth your best stories.

It’s easy to play the “Please Like Me” game. Everybody knows it. The trouble is that no matter how good you get at it, you still always lose. Instead, arm yourself with you-ness. Be proud of your beliefs, your quirks, and your ridiculousness. And remember- just being alive makes you valuable. 

Things that college didn't teach me: a graduate's guide to navigating grown-up life

1) Your friends are not the people with whom you drunkenly cried while in college. Your friends are the people who called you the next day to see if you still needed to talk.

2) It's a stupid idea to walk home from a bar in six-inch heels.

3) If you don't need it, don't buy it.

4) Adderall is not a substitute for hard, heartfelt work.

5) Don't ask everyone you know for advice. It's a silly thing to do. Ask a few close friends or mentors, but serially collecting opinions instead of making your own informed ones is a terrible, weak and confusing habit.

6) Telling others the truth to rid yourself of guilt is not always a good thing: in the end, it makes someone else feel shitty indefinitely so that you can feel better.

7) You can't eat a box of jalepeno poppers and expect to poop anything other than liquid fire the next day.

8) It's never a good idea to tell your boss what you really think of her/him if you don't plan on ending your tirade with "I quit."

9)  No amount of eyeliner can cover up low self-esteem.

10) Cigarettes and Diet Coke do not a breakfast make.

11) A friendship or relationship where someone belittles you is not actually a friendship.

12) Acrylic nails are never a good idea.

13) Don't ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER give another actor a note. FUCKING EVER.

14) That icky feeling in the pit of your stomach? That's your body, telling you that whatever you've about to do is really stupid. Listen to it.

15) Life is not what happens after you get everything you're hoping for. Life's happening to you while you ride the train. While you work your day job. While you read this.

16) Facebook is not a good place to post your troubles with coworkers, or lovers, or family. Especially if you happen to be friends with them on facebook.

17) Family is everything. Even if it's the family you have made for yourself.

18) Someone wanting to have sex with you is not the same as someone valuing you.

19) A cat is not guaranteed to be loving and cute at all times. In fact, that cat will be a prick most of the time.

20) More stuff is just more stuff.

21) It's a good idea to go back and read all of the books you pretended to read for your English classes in high school and college.

22) You don't need alcohol to chill out. You don't need pot to sleep. A smoke break every twenty minutes is not normal. These are not ways to enjoy life more: these are coping mechanisms for larger issues. These are the beginnings of addiction.

23) Facebook "likes" should not be to your ego what claps are to Tinkerbell.

24) It's okay to be sensitive.

25) It's okay to be an introvert.

26) It's okay to say "no."

27) Don't tell everybody everything. Protect things that are close to your heart. Over-sharing pretty much guarantees that someone's gonna make you feel shitty about something you care about- so don't throw those pearls of yours in front of piggies who aren't genuinely invested in your well-being.

28) Don't ever treat a waiter like shit.

29) Look both ways when you're crossing the street. Even if it's a one-way.

30) If someone chooses to cut you out of their life, let them go. Focus your love and light on people willing to accept you for the crazy motherfucker you are.

31) Don't post depressing shit online. It doesn't help you. It's not endearing. You're just the asshole who made someone else's day a little sadder.

32) Go to class. You have no idea how expensive it actually is to repeat a class until you're on the other side making monthly payments. Go to class.

33) It's okay to be mad at your parents for things they did wrong, but it is not okay to blame them for how you turned out. When you turn 18, your life is all on you. You are a grown-ass person. You are responsible for who you are.

34) Forgiveness is essential to find happiness.

35) It's okay to be lost.

50 Shades of WTF IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE?: An Examination of Idealistic Love

Boy howdy, has Hollywood fucked us over.

Somewhere between “The Little Mermaid” and “Twilight,” we picked up this ridiculous idea that love should be easy.

That relationships shouldn’t require work.

That girls don’t fart.

That people who love each other never question their feelings.

That “happily ever after” is just that easy.

Here’s the thing- there’s a reason the movie always ends with the two lovers riding off into the sunset in a carriage, or throwing the bouquet, or finally kissing in the rain after two full hours of nail-biting buildup- it’s because the moment after the cameras turn off, the shit goes down. Cinderella and Charming are in the carriage, and she’s all like, “What hotel are we staying at?” and he’s all, “The Motel 6” and she’s all, “What the fuck is wrong with you? I’m a princess! I can’t stay in a motel!” and he’s all, “But you said anything was fine, as long as we had each other.” Then she gets her period and the honeymoon is ruined anyway-  and cue the marriage counselors and the drinking problems and the lawyers and the statistics. That’s why the movie always stops after the pretty “ever after” screenshot.

Because that shit don’t sell tickets.

Somehow, we’ve gotten it into our heads that we need and deserve love like we see in the movies.  But the things is, that’s not actually love. Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a movie that actually accurately describes love. I want my money back, Steven Spielberg. You’re a c***.

Jake, forgive me here, because I’m gonna get a bit personal. It’s nothing I haven’t told you in person, so I trust that you’ll be okay with me blogging our secrets so that others can learn from our glorious love tornado.

When Jake and I started dating, I tried to break up with him two months in. Why? Because. Just because. I was twenty, and selfish, and my friends weren’t crazy about him and I was taller than him by about an eighth of an inch and sometimes the way he talked in public embarrassed me because I didn’t understand what he was saying (he’s crazy smart like that). That, and he was in really good physical shape, and I wasn’t, and I didn’t want people to think “What’s that buff guy doing with Rosanne Barr?” So I broke up with him. We both cried. I went one night without him- maybe not even that- before I realized something felt wrong and I didn’t like not being his girlfriend. I few months later, he ended things with me. Why? You’d have to ask him. Pretty similar reasons I think, except add to the story that I had treated him abominably and picked fights and nagged nonstop since the start of our relationship. Fast forward four years, and we’ve been through several “breaks”, several breakups, a few screaming fights in cars, a lot of tears, but, BUT- much more importantly, the most love I have ever had in my whole life.

Admittedly, Jake is not who I imagined myself with. I’m sure he would say the same about me.  There have been times I wanted to wring his neck, and times where I know he has almost walked out on me. I have made remarkable and hurtful mistakes, and he has forgotten to tell me I’m pretty or that my dress looks nice or that he misses me or whatever. But let’s look at the facts:

a)   He is upstairs asleep right now in a bed COVERED with my personal belongings. He is snugly tucked in amongst lipstick, popcorn kernels, beer caps, boxes of tampons, and a cat that I brought home without asking him first. And that’s just on the bed. Imagine what the rest of the room looks like. And he has never said a WORD to me about the fact that I’m a sticker collection away from being on “Hoarders.”

b)  He thinks it’s funny when I put drag makeup on. He can even hold a meaningful conversation with me when my lips look like Amanda Lepore’s (go ahead… look her up).

c)  He eats my cooking.

d)   He picks me up from work, even when he’s exhausted, just because he knows it’ll help me.

e)  He will let me cry and not make fun of the fact that I snot up like a four-year-old. Even when that snot inevitably ends up all over his shirt.

f) He listens to every word I say… and never tells me I’m being boring or redundant, even though I am.

g) He spends time with my conservative Christian family and tries his damndest to impress them, even though he’s a bleeding-heart liberal-agnostic.   

h) He has held my head up over a toilet for two and a half hours straight so I didn’t drown in it while I black-out-drunkenly tried to convince him that I was the Black Swan.

i) He is still here.

Now, if we tried to make a movie about our relationship, we would fail, even by quirky “Eternal Sunshine” standards. Not a lot of stuff we do is remarkable, or memorable, or swoon-worthy. The thing is, I’ve had those relationships. Those moments. Hell, I’ve been tempted while I was with Jake- and he knows this- by things and people that promised those romantic sensations and outrageous futures. There are still moments where I question myself- question us- and think, is this it for me? Is the romance gone? Is there someone else?

The truth is, yes. There is someone else out there who could make you feel wildly sexy and vulnerable and beautiful and fill your life with passion and sexy sex and butterflies. There will always be that next person. But eventually, those butterflies in your stomach make contact with your stomach acid and run out of air and die and give you indigestion. And then your sexy butterflies end up in the toilet. Eventually, one of you will get bored and want to call it quits and the other will feel neglected and heartbroken and you will MISTAKENLY think that this- this was love, because it wouldn’t hurt so badly if it weren’t love. Reality check: if someone hits you over the head with a crowbar, it fucking hurts. Does that mean love is involved? NO. But it feels so sickeningly sweet to be hurt in such a way that we convince ourselves that it must be love, and then when someone normal comes along who doesn’t want to hurt us, we don’t recognize their normality, respect, and decency as signs of love because we’re so used to smashing together sex and feelings and newness and rejection and FUCK I’M SO FUCKING TIRED BUT THIS IS SO IMPORTANT SO I WILL POWER THROUGH that we can’t see a genuine, boring, remarkable love building and shaping right in front of our eyes.

So here’s what it boils down to: if you’re looking for Prince Charming, stop it. Look for a really good friend. Look for someone who would do anything for you, and then do your fucking part- do MORE for them than they’re doing for you. Stop looking to check things off the list you’ve got in your head for your perfect partner. Because they don’t exist. And even if they did, you know what? You’d be bored to tears and look for any reason you could to leave them.  If you want to fall in love- deep, meaningful love, take off your princess dress, put on your gardening gloves and your comfy jeans, and get to work. Put in the time. Plant those damn seeds. There will be times you want to walk away. There may be times that you do.  There may be nights you wonder what you could have had instead. He may wonder the same. Relationships are hard. Love is hard. But real, forgiving, meaningful love is glorious. And worth every minute of work you put into it. So buck up, Cinderella. 

Crime and Punishment: a study on the loss of friendship

I hear it all the time: 


"Brynne, you're so hard to get ahold of."-"You never text back."-"I left you a message."-"You were in town?"


I know. I know you left me a message. I know you wrote. I know you called, and yes, I am a dick for not getting back to you. 


Allow me, for a moment, to hop down off of my half-full Cascade box and tell you why. 
I've lost almost every good friend I've ever had. I know, I know, we grow and change and all of that bullshit, but I'm a serial mauler of friendships. 


After a recent... divorce?... from a friendship that carried me through the last nine years, I'm beginning to get desperate to figure out how and why this keeps happening. After this last devastating loss, one that I thought would never turn out like this, I've begun to fear for my other friendships as well. So, my response?


Stay as far away from the people I like as possible.

Here's my logic. If I really like you, and I want to be/stay friends, the surest way not to mess it up is to stay out of your life. To shun you like the plague. To pretend that I've lost my phone- permanently. 


It's not like I'm killing my best friends in their sleep. I think, however, that I possess a killer cocktail of friendship no-nos: ones I'm about to share with you, friend, in hopes that we'll both learn something from the splattering of my mistakes on this electronic wall.


1. Honesty is not always the best policy.


I'm not saying that you should lie to your friends. Okay, actually, I am. There is nothing to be gained by telling someone that they look a little fat in that outfit. Even if they do. Lie. Furthermore, even if you feel a friend is doing something harmful to themselves (eating disorder, bad boyfriend, alcohol issues, wearing Crocs), I HAVE LEARNED OVER AND OVER that IT WILL NOT END WELL FOR YOU if you try to confront them. There's a reason that trained professionals handle most of those things.  IT IS NOT YOUR PLACE TO BRING IT TO THEIR ATTENTION. It may seem like you're doing the brave, smart thing by confronting them, but when was the last time you responded well to criticism?  You can let them know that you're there, and you can let them know that you're worried for them, but any sort of ultimatum or intervention will only make them feel small and betrayed.  Shut up and stop trying to fix your friend- even if you get out your grievances, you will not have helped the friend see that they are in trouble. Instead, you'll push them further away from a place of happiness and balance.


2. Don't live with your best friends.


The best friend I have in the world was a somewhat random roommate- and she is a goddess for loving me through my absolute mess of a life. 


That said, we were strangers, and she is an exceptionally patient and kind human being. There were no expectations and I lucked out. So take heed:


Living with someone you care about can be absolute murder on even the most secure of friendships. After all of those Tennessee Williams plays we've read, don't we know by now that lots of people who love each other in a small space only leads to awful things? All of a sudden, someone you love dearly becomes someone who owes you money for bills. The girl who got you through gym class becomes the girl who just drank all your milk. The boy who consoled you through the worst breakup of your life is now the dude who doesn't light a match after he bombs the bathroom.


Get the message?


The exception proves the rule- I'm sure some of you out there are thinking, "Not me. I love my roommates and we're still best friends." To you few, you proud, I say two things: A) Good for you, you lucky duck, and I'm happy to hear it, and B) you're probably the one drinking the milk and bombing the bathroom.


3) Quit talking behind your friend's back.


This should be a simple one, but it's not. For some reason, when something starts to go wrong, it's virtually impossible not to talk about it. Oftentimes, that means mutual friends. STOP RIGHT HERE. RIGHT. HERE. Close your mouth. Close your stupid mouth. Stop talking to mutual friends about your best friend's secrets, issues, the problems you are having, etc. Stop it. Not only does it make the problem seem bigger than it is, but you're probably getting bad advice from whoever it is you're talking to... BECAUSE A DRINKING BUDDY DOES NOT MAKE FOR A GOOD COUNSELOR, GOD DAMMIT. You need to honor your friend by working it out with her/him. It's an awful idea to spread their business around, even to trusted friends, because eventually, it will come out that you were discussing their business with someone else. And it won't end well.


Same heading, different category: stop gossiping about your friends. If you want to talk shit about someone, fine. But don't do it while they think you're trustworthy. That makes you a coward and asshole. Don't use your friends' misfortunes as a way to seem more interesting at a party. 


4. Never injure a friend, even in jest.


I love this quote, but I'll be honest, I have to look up who said it... Angela Lansbury or General Patton or someone. Oh, wow- Marcus Tullius Cicero? Boy, was I wrong. I don't even know who that is. It's still a great quote.


I don't think you should ever call a friend stupid, or ugly, or say anything meant to harm someone or knock them down. At some level, we mean what we say- and we also begin to believe what we hear. Don't insult your friends. Lift them up. Don't belittle or berate them- it feels awful when it's done to you, so why would you want to put someone else through it? Don't exploit the friendship by making a joke of something they've told you in confidence- you can never fully gain that trust back.


I can pretty confidently give the following example because I'm fairly sure the person I did this to doesn't read this blog, so here's an illustration of what I mean:


A few years ago, I gave a friend an old skirt of mine. It didn't mean anything to me- it was just something I'd picked off a sale rack. She asked, "Why don't you want it?" I said, "I think it's so ugly!" She laughed and said, "No, it's beautiful. Thank you." 


A few weeks later, I saw her wearing it in a hallway filled with people we knew. I got within earshot of her and said, "What an ugly skirt!" at the top of my lungs.

It's okay. We can pause while you shake your head and embrace the awkwardness and horror of this moment. I'll join you.


No one there had any idea about our previous conversation. No one knew that it was an inside joke. What they heard was that I had insulted my friend (at the time, my best friend) publicly. I had embarrassed her and hurt her- all while joking. There are things that are funny, but hurting your friends- not good material.


5. To err is human...


There's a beautiful moment between Carrie and Aiden on "Sex & the City"- for all you haters, shut up now and keep reading for the message behind the mush. The background of the scene: Carrie has cheated on Aiden, but he's agreed to give it a second chance. Aiden, however, is clearly not over it- he's still seeking out ways to punish Carrie for her indiscretion. The scene I'm bringing up is the one where Carrie finally breaks. She goes to his door and lets loose: "You have to forgive me. You have to forgive me. You have to forgive me. You have to forgive me." 

It's beautiful.


Here's what you're thinking: a)"I love that scene" b) she spelled "Aiden" wrong or c) yeah, but Carrie cheated. He had every right to be mad. You know what? YOU'RE RIGHT. He did. But he chose to get back in a relationship with her. 


IF YOU AGREE THAT A BROKEN FRIENDSHIP IS TO BE MENDED, YOU HAVE TO FORGIVE.


Ahem. Let me say this again, a little louder.


TO MAINTAIN A FRIENDSHIP, YOU HAVE TO FORGIVE.


Now, you have every right to leave someone who has hurt you in the dust. That's your prerogative, and no one can blame you for it. But (BUT) if you intend to mend that friendship and especially if your have told your offending friend that all is well, STOP PUNISHING THEM. Quit turning small things into big things. Quit picking fights. Quit guilting them. Quit peeling away at a relationship that is already damaged. If they've apologized and you've accepted it and the friendship means something to you, handle the pain and the disappointment before you choose to continue your relationship. The initial fault may not have been yours, but if you're keeping your friend in the doghouse, you're the douche. To maintain a friendship, you have to forgive.




Still here?


Please don't think I'm looking down my nose at you while I write this. That wouldn't be very friendly. I personally have made and continue to make all of the above mistakes. After losing a very dear friendship recently, and one that I thought was unshakable, I have been thinking as much as I can about what I've done wrong and what I can do to improve my friendships in the future.


So if I don't call you back, it's not because I don't love you. I'm just trying to keep you as a friend until I lock down those last few pointers in my own noggin.


Be good to each other.

On Courage and William Wallace

Courage.

It's a funny word. Say it over and over- and over- to yourself. Go ahead. Say it until the word starts to sound unreal. Like it's just babble. Until it feels like you're having a mild stroke. Go on. I don't mind waiting.

It's a funny word.

To me, it's an even funnier concept. The "courage" I have experienced in my life has been- well, sort of- biblical?- in proportions. "Courage"- a word for them good ol' boys like David (of Goliath-slaying fame), Caesar ("Cowards die many times before their deaths; The valiant never taste of death but once."), and Mel Gibson in "Braveheart" (which, granted, I've never seen, but seriously, even people who haven't seen this movie have seen it). The courage of the white knight. The courage of a lion. The courage of a man facing his own death.

That's not the courage that compels me.

The courage I'm interested in- the courage I  watch with mouth agape and heart ablaze- the courage that inspires and uplifts me- is the courage of the everyday.

Let's give ourselves some credit- life is hard. This existence is hard. There are so many things to be angry about, so many things to be afraid of, and so many things that seem insurmountable- just on a day-to-day basis.

What I'm realizing, though, is that the more of these little things I can confront with day-to-day courage, the better and brighter my world seems.


Yes, it sucked to make the phone call that let me know that I owe 1,800.00 for something that I thought was settled long ago. Yes, it sucked to say to my coworker, "Your day is screwed up because I booked it incorrectly- it was my fault." Yes, it sucked to go to the dentist, my general physician, and the gynecologist (thank god they didn't get their tools confused) all in the same day. Yes, it sucks that I now have the x-rays proving that I need a lot more dental work in the next year.

But guess what- I'm not afraid of any of those things any more. The problems may not be solved, but the hardest part was the initiation- the calling up, the speaking up, the showing up. Now, I fall asleep at night- and sleep through the night. Because I know what I'm facing. Because I know how to handle it, even if it's going to be rough. And because I'm not hiding anything from myself anymore.

Let the dread go. Be brave every day.  Don't let something small get the opportunity to turn into something bigger- and don't wait until tomorrow to start facing it. Rip off the band-aid and take care of the cut before it turns into a gaping wound.

Here is my challenge to you, starting right now:

Check your voicemails, even though you're afraid there will be a message from the debt collector who's been hounding you. Call the old friend whom you hurt and have been too proud to call. Go get that STI test/cancer screening/pap smear/heart test done at the doctor's. Own up to that mistake you made at work. Tell your dad you dented the car. Tell your partner you're struggling. Start that savings account- and use it. Find something to audition for. Check your credit score. Call your mom back, for heaven's sake.

The little things that you're afraid to do are the ones that most need doing. So be courageous. I know that these things are hard to do- really, really hard- and require a stupid amount of energy and nerve. Let that be okay. Tell yourself it's okay that you're afraid. Then kick that fear in the balls and pick up the phone while you're still on that ball-kicking high. Don't save the world. Breathe in, stand up straight, and do what you know in your gut is right. And know that I'm really friccin' proud of you for doing it.


You don't have to slay a giant to be a hero. You just have to get up in the morning.